


In the End Everything Collides

by ambitiousbutrubbish



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: (not because of depression but still it's there), Finn-style "that's not how the Force works", M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, but seriously it's not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-24 04:10:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6141051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambitiousbutrubbish/pseuds/ambitiousbutrubbish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren doesn’t just <i>take</i>.</p><p>Someone in the Resistance is sending information to the First Order, Jessika conquers claustrophobia to join the other pilots in making jokes at their Commander’s expense, and the only thing Poe knows for certain is how he feels about Finn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> When I was about 12 I promised myself I wouldn’t get _involved_ with Star Wars beyond the movies because I wasn’t _that_ much of a geek and I had _some_ limits (guess what, kid: you are, and you don’t, and you lose all credibility to claim otherwise when Phantom Menace is the first movie you remember seeing: not just at the cinema, but _ever_ ), and now here I am with two Star Wars fanfics. This doesn’t follow on from the first, but it could??? I guess??? If you wanted it to???
> 
> This is dedicated to all the haters (i.e. me and only me, my own biggest hater) who were like “oh Jen yeah she can only write character studies”. Suck it, self. I half-branched out into a kind-of plot!
> 
>  **stitchy** did this this amazing piece of fanart [here](http://stitchyarts.tumblr.com/post/146322645277/the-other-night-i-read-in-the-end-everything) and it's so fantastic and I am so thrilled thank you!!!!

The first time is just bad luck.

The second they put down to a coincidence. No one could have predicted the fleet of pirate starships heading for the exact same sector that they were.

The third time, though: the third time they jump to location only to find that the First Order has left the system with only two or three tie-fighters waiting behind to taunt them with their missed opportunity, it becomes clear that the Resistance has a traitor in its midst.

\--------------------

Poe launches himself out of his starfighter, skipping the last couple of rungs of the ladder in his frustration and his fury, needles of pain shooting though both his feet as he lands heavily on the ground. He is halfway across the hanger and heading for the Control room before BB-8 even manages to disengage itself from the navigational systems. Snap catches his eyes as he storms past but doesn’t try to engage, only nods in acknowledgement, and Poe trusts that Snap will run his pilots through debriefing in his absence. 

Control is almost empty when Poe arrives, most of the command crew likely cleared out once the fighters found the First Order gone, but General Organa and Finn are both standing next to the holotable, clearly anticipating his arrival.

While confined to his bed in the medcentre, Finn had told Poe that his simulation and accuracy scores had qualified him for an officer’s position within the First Order, even if his personality had not. And sometimes, when he sees Finn shadowing General Organa around the base, Poe has to swallow the bile that builds in his throat with the thought that Finn’s defection has not truly afforded him much change. He reminds himself that it’s not the same, that Finn _chose_ this. Chose not to fight. Chose to lend his insight to the Resistance. Chose to learn command from General Organa. Choice is all the difference in the galaxy.

Still, Finn carries a blaster all the same. General Organa does too.

Finn is standing further away from the door and Poe can see the way his mouth forms around Poe’s name even if he can hear the word, and the joy in Finn’s eyes at his safe return makes Poe powerless to do anything but grin back, the existence of a First Order informer within the Resistance momentarily forgotten with Finn’s silent greeting. 

General Organa’s clipped “Commander” reminds Poe abruptly of the situation, and he drags his eyes away from Finn to focus. 

“General” he replies. “I’m afraid that we must consider that someone within the Resistance has defected.”

General Organa nods her agreement. “Unfortunate, but not unexpected. I trust you will assess the loyalty of your pilots.”

“Of course, General.” And the idea that it could be one of _his_ \- one of the people he eats with and trains with and laughs with - is almost unbearable, hot and cold at once, and he feels his fists clench and relax without conscious thought.

General Organa nods again, walks over and clasps him on the shoulder. “We’ll get them, Poe.” She says, and she’s not soft, not even _softer_ when she addresses him by name rather than title. She’s always angry, always fighting, like she doesn’t know any other way to be, like it has taken her through life up to this point, pushed her past everything that has tried to stop her, and will keep her moving forward until her death. Probably past it. But she is more open. Compassionate. Gentle, in a way that has nothing to do with softness; but with control, and with pain.

“Yes.” Poe replies, and he knows that it is true in the same way that he knows that everything she says is true.

She squeezes his shoulder once and lets go to step back. “We have more reports of First Order locations that you will be flying to tomorrow. You had best eat and rest. I will send you the details when we decide where we will send each squadron.” She turns to Finn still standing silently behind her. “You too, Finn. You’re dismissed, but I want you here again early morning.”

Finn nods, bustles passed General Organa and taps Poe twice on the back of the hand as he walks out of the room. Poe turns to follow, but he catches sight of General Organa’s small smile before he leaves, and he grins back, wider, but with a blush he can feel heating his cheeks. She rolls her eyes good-naturedly at him, and not for the first time, Poe wonders how it must be for her, to _feel_ things the way that she does. When this thing - the Resistance - was still young, someone had asked why they were searching so desperately for Luke Skywalker, when General Organa herself was supposedly Force-sensitive. Or perhaps had she been lying about that to give weight to her warmongering. At least half of the new recruits had been prepared to jump at the man for his insinuation, Poe included, but General Organa had simply smiled at him, and told him that the Force worked in many ways, that she used it more for its empathetic powers, that she could sense his fear and his hesitation and his simple desire to run away. But also that she could find her old lightsaber and give him a demonstration, if he’d like.

Poe wonders what General Organa feels from him every time he looks at Finn. Can she feel his giddiness, the way his pulse jumps whenever Finn smiles? The way that thinking about Finn sometimes makes it feel like his heart is being squeezed, but in the absolute best way. Sometimes he hopes that she can. Everything else, Poe knows, must be fear and anger and desperation, and he would be happy and _honoured_ to know that he could let her feel something else, something joyful and excited, even if only for a moment. Other times he just hopes that the way he feels for Finn doesn’t remind her of Han Solo and all the tragedy and loss in her life. But given the way she smiles at him every time he watches with a kind of gleeful and anticipatory longing after Finn, Poe is sure that it’s alright.

Finn is waiting for him in the hallway and Poe bumps their shoulders together and says “mess?” Finn grins and nods and they head off to grab a quick meal. Finn talks the whole way. Poe may be a Commander, and all the pilots ultimately answer to him before anyone even thinks of taking something to Admiral Ackbar, but even so, there’s a whole lot that goes on in Command that he is not privy to. It’s not sensible or good tactics to have someone know every one of the Resistance’s plans, particularly not someone who regularly goes into combat situations where kidnap and interrogation is more than possible. As Poe has already proved. He knows everything that is happening with his pilots, but outside of that, there is a whole lot that Finn is not allowed to talk about with him.

That doesn’t stop him from having a near inexhaustible amount of things to say. Finn is excited about the world, in a way that would be somewhat sad because it speaks of his stifled upbringing, if it weren’t for the fact that he is genuinely joyful about getting to make new discoveries every day, and eager to share it all with Poe. Today he tells him about the people he has spent the day talking to, the funny little gurgling, bubbling sound that Admiral Ackbar makes when he laughs, the look on Major Kalonia’s face when she opened a holo from her wife sent from a Resistance-protected refugee camp, both happy and sad at the same time, and the way that she had cried silent tears when she saw their children running in and out of the picture.

Poe listens to it all with a feeling in his chest like a bubble fit to pop, and a grin on his face the entire time. He hopes Finn knows how much he enjoys these conversations, beyond the ability to properly articulate. All he can do in return is tell his own stories; Karé and Iolo’s squadrons had returned that morning, bringing with them a new group of volunteers. Since the destruction of the Hosnian system the groups of volunteers have been getting bigger, but also less frequent. Poe had spent the day talking to the new recruits who wanted to be pilots before flying out on their sabotaged recon flight, and he tells Finn about challenging the hopeful pilots to a simulated dogfight. When he had first started training starship pilots in the Republic, Poe had always taken the time to get to know the new recruits, kept them grounded for at least a week and spoke with them all individually. He liked to know how a pilot thought before he ever let them fly, how they would react in common situations, whether they were going to run or pull something stupid because they got arrogant. The Resistance doesn’t have the luxury of that time. Instead, Poe drops them head first into a simulated fight and watches them act. 

And when one gets cocky, he shoots them out of the sky himself.

That part of the story is Finn’s favourite. 

Poe and Finn go their separate ways to their own rooms after their meal. As they hug goodbye, Poe suppresses the recurring desire to just invite Finn back to his quarters and see where things go from there, reminding himself that he promised himself to let Finn make any first moves. They separate slowly, but they still leave in opposite directions.

Back in his own quarters, Poe steps into the fresher for a quick clean, reads the message from General Organa about tomorrow’s mission on his holopad while dressing for bed, and then flops face-down on the covers to sleep without bothering to get underneath them.

\--------------------

Poe wakes to find General Organa sitting by his bedside, and his hands cuffed behind his back.

\--------------------

“I would never.” Poe says. It’s simple; a statement, a fact, not desperate. He can’t feel desperate, when he can’t feel much of anything but the cold, sharp blankness that had shuttered down over his mind at the accusation.

“I know.” General Organa replies steadily. “But I saw you.”

Her face is utterly devoid of emotion, and Poe has nowhere to look but straight at it. General Organa had helped to turn him over so he was lying on his back and his still-cuffed hands. It eases the twinge in his neck that he had felt trying to look at her from his position on his stomach, but it also means that he can not look away from her hovering above him, even if he wanted to.

“But I– I wouldn’t.” And there’s the panic, the desperation, settling onto his limns like a blanket, into his _bones_ , and grasping inelegantly at his words as he tries to force them out. “You know I wouldn’t. You know me, General. You know I’m telling the truth. Please. I wouldn’t.” Poe has looked death in the eye. He’s been face to face with people intent on killing him. Kylo Ren raked through his brain with the Force. But he’s never felt the need to beg before now.

“I know.” General Organa says again; unmoved, but not unkind. “I know you wouldn’t betray us to the First Order. Not consciously.”

Poe doesn’t relax, doesn’t breath any easier, but there is light at the end of this tunnel. “What do you mean?” He asks.

“You were asleep.”

“How– How is that possible?”

“It’s just a theory,” She starts. “Something I read about when Luke was first starting his school. Before the Empire and the Galactic Civil War there were stories, myths really, of creatures called mind-witches. They lived on Seidhkona, in Wild Space, and they were powerful psychics that sucked the mental energies from victims to replenish themselves. They did this by creating mental links with their victim. They literally shared part of their brains. I think that when my son forced his way into your mind, he created a mental link between the two of you. Not powerful enough to do anything while you’re awake, but when you’re unconscious...”

“You think that when I’m asleep he can control me?” Poe has always believed in the afterlife as somewhere beautiful and lit by the Force. Explains that distant light.

“Yes. But not well. I think that something gets triggered when you’re given a new mission and your connection activates. Nothing old is being sent, no member counts or scouted locations or allies. Just where the pilots will be heading out next.”

Poe has always appreciated having a clear plan, and he knows exactly what to do now. In a strange way, it’s somewhat comforting, and all his previous panic washes away with the path forward so plain: “You have to kill me.”

General Organa does not look surprised by his declaration, but there is a squeak from outside, a whoosh as his door slides open and Finn comes barrelling in, BB-8 shrieking at his heels with its arc welder extended and levelled at General Organa. “No!” He shouts, looks a little shocked at himself, and then says, quieter but no less anxious. “You can’t! I’m sorry I was eavesdropping but there has to be something else you can do! Anything!”

Poe knows why his hands are cuffed, doesn’t trust himself to not be, but he wants hug Finn one last time, give BB-8 a pat on its head, tell them to look after each other and reassure them that this is the best option. General Organa, he notices, doesn’t seem fazed by Finn’s shouts or BB-8’s threats, just looks straight at them and they both quiet. “I’m not going to.” She says, and Poe can’t imagine anything worse than being a constant threat to the Resistance’s survival, but he listens to her anyway. “I have another idea.”

\--------------------

The cells on the Resistance bases are not used often. It’s very rare that they take any prisoners, and Poe is sure that if he asked Finn there would be a suitably depressing reason for the fact that they never encounter injured Stormtroopers even after ground battles. Only the dead, without a mark on them. 

He can figure out the reason without Finn’s help.

Far more likely that a cell houses someone from inside the Resistance - fighting for a good cause does not put you above criminality, and Poe would like to believe that everyone who opposes the First Order is a good person, but life is rarely so neat. Thieves, murderers, spies - all people that they can’t allow to leave D’Qar where they might meet up with the First Order, so instead are placed in cells.

And now Poe.

Their first rule had been to ban BB-8 from visiting. General Organa’s idea was to isolate Poe from any new Resistance information so he had nothing for Kylo Ren to make him share, and BB-8 does not understand discretion, not when it comes to him. Poe loves his droid just the way it is, but he knows that it would immediately tell him everything it had heard during the day without him even asking. It is Poe’s and Poe is its. BB-8 had not been happy when Poe had told it it couldn’t visit, but when he asked it to keep an eye on Finn and General Organa for him, it had agreed. Growing up, Poe had idolised Princess Leia, face of the Rebellion, and meeting her and working for her has only increased his admiration. He has a suspicion his feelings have rubbed off somewhat on BB-8. 

The second rule was that he was not allowed more than two visitors at a time. People were less likely to let something slip in casual conversation if there were less of them. And besides, they were trying to keep Poe’s presence in the cells quiet, and the entire base would know he wasn’t sick and in his quarters if his pilots flocked to the cells en masse.

His cell is nice enough, Poe supposes. They had waited until midnight and moved Poe’s own bed from his quarters, along with a number of datapads and holovids. Poe appreciates the effort that General Organa and the other Admirals are putting into this, the trust they are placing in him, and he is determined to make the best of the situation. Even so; being in a cell, seeing the same three walls and bars and the same bricks and the same scenery ever day, being cut off from the light and the wind, not being able to see the stars twinkling at him at him in the night sky, calling to him. It’s killing him. It will kill him. He knows it will, long before General Organa gives up on him and does it herself. 

If someone had asked it of him, Poe would’ve shot them imediately, no questions asked. He supposes that’s why he’s not in charge.

Karé and Iolo manage to snag the first visiting slot. They’ve known him the longest, flew with him in the New Republic. It’s only fitting that they would get priority. They stare at him through the bars in his cell and Poe stares back. In hostile situations he has always believed in making the first move, but it’s a little more complicated with friends. Karé speaks fist, her face perfectly blank. “If I had’ve known you were going to make a habit of defecting, we never would’ve followed you from the New Republic.”

And Poe laughs. Because the first time Karé came face to face with a spy for the First Order she broke the woman’s nose. The second and third times too. She never gets less angry. She has never believed in calm accusations. And Iolo has never been good at keeping a straight face.

So Poe laughs and Iolo cracks immediately, Karé following right after and it’s not _funny_ , it’s a terrible joke and the worst situation imaginable; Poe’s worst fears and greatest horrors are coming true and he’s a threat to the Resistance and he knows he’s going to lose it down here in the Resistance’s cells. And there’s nothing he can do, nothing _any of them_ can do, except laugh, and hope against all hope that it will all turn out okay.

It’s been a successful last-ditch strategy for this long. No use changing it now. Karé and Iolo help. He’s more than glad to see them. And if their laughter is a little hysterical, none of them want to admit to being worried.

Snap is the next to come see him. His recon skills are second-to-none, both in a fighter and on the ground. Snap knows everything about everyone, and Poe trusts him to tell the absolute truth about what people are saying about him. Poe calls after Snap to look after his pilots as he leaves, and handing over the squadrons feels almost like a death knell.

Luckily he has a steady stream of visitors that manage to distract him from his position when they’re with him; Ello and Bastian and Nien and the other pilots, who have all been slowly filled in about to their Commander’s situation. Finn and General Organa and even the rest of Command, sometimes. A select few of the medical staff. But they can’t stay forever, and Poe turns up the holovids when they leave and thinks about anything other than the Resistance.

Jess is the last of his allowed visitors to come see him, hurrying down the steps so fast that she almost trips, dashing along the corridor to Poe’s cell without looking anywhere but at him. Frankly Poe is surprised that she came at all. Surprised and touched. Jess is wonderful in a fighter, with the transparisteel the only thing separating her from the empty blackness of space, but here in the cells even Poe is starting to feel a little claustrophobic; unadorned grey walls without even a window to offer perspective on the feeling that they are slowly closing in, that he will be trapped and die here. Jess has sweat gathering at her temples, and her hands where she has them clenched at her sides shake, slightly, but she manages a crooked grin and a dig at taking Black One for a spin and convincing BB-8 to be her astromech instead.

Poe is sure that he is never leaving this cell alive, but even still he vows to use the time he has wasting away thinking about all the fun new drills his pilots are going to be running when he’s back to giving them orders. 

\--------------------

Poe had wished he was Force-sensitive as a kid. It had never been a matter of belief for him, some mystical power that may connect all living things, but may have simply been a story - he had always _known_ that the Force was real. He had been told the stories of the Rebellion and the Galactic Civil War before they were just myths and legends. His parents had fought with the Rebels, and later the Alliance. He had _met_ Luke Skywalker, albeit intermittently and never for long. The tree that grew in the front yard of his childhood home was Force-sensitive and he had loved to climb it and sleep amongst the branches. There was nowhere on Yavin 4, nowhere in the _galaxy_ more calming than that tree, and Poe had wanted it _so badly_ , and wished with every fibre of his being that somehow the Force would make itself known to him.

His parents had been relieved when it never did and Poe had made himself feel relief for it too. After all, he reminded himself, at least he knows that his skills as a pilot are due entirely to his own talent and hard work, and not the mystical pull of the Force. And he takes pride in that, truly, but he can never feel the kind of relief his parents did, can never be _afraid_ of the Force and its potential for evil like they were.

He has never been unaware of the Dark Side. Yavin 4 is dotted with old temples built long before the Empire, when the Sith still had a homeworld. The enslaved Massassi had been sent to the moon along with Naga Sadow to build temples to the Sith as gods. Children on Yavin 4 were prohibited from entering the temples, and so Poe had done so as soon as he was allowed to wander alone. Before he even entered the temple he had felt the presence of the Dark Side, a desperate hate and possessive _want_ , and inside he had dwelt on things he hadn’t for years; his mother’s death, his father’s despair, the fear that he would never be _enough_ for anything. 

He hadn’t run, Poe has never believed on running from anything, but that night he had done another thing he hadn’t in years, and slept amongst the branches of the Force-sensitive tree, its connective energy calming him.

He’s even more aware of the Dark Side now, after Kylo Ren scraping and tearing through his mind.

But even knowing how the Force can be manipulated, twisted to pain, there is some part of Poe that still wishes he had it. Some part that is sure it didn’t choose him because he is too weak. When General Organa had confronted him about sending messages to the First Order, Poe had insisted that he wouldn’t betray the Resistance, but that was never really true. He already had. He had already given information to Kylo Ren. Just because it was taken from him, it doesn’t mean that he wasn’t too weak to keep the secret.

He voices this to General Organa on her third visit, and she lapses into an contemplative silence for a moment before she speaks. “You did not betray us. My son forced his way into your mind and controlled you. That is not betrayal. There was nothing you could have done. You fought against everything that you could.”

“It’s still weakness, though.” Poe replies, and he knows how he sounds; small, childlike, entirely unbefitting for a military Commander and grown person. “I know what they say, that Mind Tricks only work on the weak-willed.”

“ _Jedi_ Mind Tricks.” General Organa corrects him. “The Jedi _suggest_ that someone should do what they say, and their mind can ignore it. They give you a little push, but your mind can fight back. The Dark Side isn’t like that. They don’t care if you don’t want to listen. They will tear apart your mind and force you to do what they want. No one can resist that unless they’re Force-sensitive themselves. It wasn’t your fault. You’re not weak.”

Poe nods. He wants to believe her. He _does_ believe her. He just has to convince himself of that. 

\--------------------

Finn visit every day. Poe is not entirely sure how he finds the time. Working with General Organa and the Admiralty the way he has been, he’s sure Finn has more interesting things to do then sit with Poe in the bowels of D’Qar base, but he’s there every night. At first, Poe had been sure that Finn wouldn’t come to see him at all. He wouldn’t have blamed him. Finn hadn’t been free of the First Order for all that long, he didn’t need a constant reminder of how far their influence could spread. But he came with General Organa the first time she visited, and he hasn’t stopped since.

Poe hasn’t had as much time to spend with Finn as he would have liked to since he woke from his coma. His mission to retrieve the map to Luke Skywalker on Jakku had only been his second ever for the Resistance, but that was only because they hadn’t known where to start. After the success with Starkiller, every member has been on high alert to leave to fight at a moments notice. Since Takodana, Poe had been flying out almost every day. Mostly small things, training drills, recon missions, supply runs. Snap was coming back with new areas mapped for further exploration daily, which had put Poe on constant recruitment duty. Even with the failed scouting missions for the First Order, Poe had felt like they were _getting_ somewhere, like his skills as a pilot weren’t just a waste, and his X-Wing was finally doing what she was made for.

But even with all the work, he had tried to see Finn every night he had available, to ask him about everything new he had seen and done. Finn isn’t an _innocent_ by any means; he had grown up under an oppressive regime that limited experiences to those they deemed acceptable, but Stormtroopers apparently still talked, even if they did it quieter than most people. But even still, he is somewhat naïve. There’s so much that Finn doesn’t know, or only knows one side of. And he is excited about everything, his enthusiasm contagious, and Poe always looked forward to their chats.

It can’t be like that, now. They have more time to spend together with Poe‘s job suspended, but everything new Finn has learned and heard has to be kept a secret from him in case he accidentally manages to extrapolate future Resistance action from Finn’s idle chatter. It wouldn’t be likely, Finn is careful no mater how friendly, but Poe has had a hand in planning Resistance missions, and so there is always the chance. 

But Finn seems determined to visit anyway, and Poe casts around for different subjects. At first he asks about Finn’s time as a Stormtrooper. All of their conversation to this point has been about Finn. Not because Poe is hesitant to share anything about himself or doesn’t trust Finn with it, but because Finn seems so unsure about who he is, now, and how he fits in the galaxy and the Resistance, and Poe had hoped that discussing it would help. But when he mentions Stormtroopers, Finn says that he doesn’t want to talk about it. He’s going to have to talk about it, Poe knows, but not today. And hopefully with someone more qualified to help him through it than him.

“What do you want to talk about, then?” Poe asks instead.

Finn thinks about it for a moment - far more seriously, Poe thinks, than any casual question he’s ever asked warrants, which is at the same time strangely flattering and very _Finn_ \- before he settles on “what was it like growing up on your planet?”

“Moon.” Poe corrects, and Finn looks so adorably confused at that that Poe huffs a small laugh before he clarifies. “Yavin 4 is a moon.”

“Does that make a difference? That it’s a moon?” Finn asks hesitantly, and chuckles slightly nervously.

“Well that depends on who’s opinion you trust.”

“Yours” Finn replies immediately and confidently, and far too sincerely for Poe to do anything but stare with a slightly bemused smile on his face.

After a moment he regathers his wits and says “Then yes.” He grins. “Moons are smaller, you know. More modest. You can get quite the superiority complex, growing up planet-side. Just look at Snap.”

Finn laughs, loudly, and he knows it’s because the idea of Snap ever being arrogant about anything is frankly ridiculous. Poe being called the best pilot in the Resistance is as much a _responsibility_ as it is both a brag and the truth, but even so, Snap is their best recon flyer. And only those who look closely at the Resistance’s maps would know that,because it’s the only way to know that they were all mapped out by Snap. But it wasn’t that funny a joke, and the fact that Finn laughed so loudly makes Poe want to step up his game and tell the best ones he knows. Finn deserves to laugh until he cries. 

“What was it like, growing up on your moon, then?”

“It’s difficult to say.” Poe starts slowly. “Yavin 4 is a colony and there are no native peoples, so there’s no typical growing up experience. Settlers come from all over the galaxy and everyone has different ideas about family and procreation and communication, so all the kids move around a lot learning from all the different groups. I was born two years before the Battle of Endor, so the adults were always afraid that Yavin 4 would fall victim to the Empire because there is an old Rebellion base on the moon. People were always scared, but we had to live as best we could anyway. My parents were both Rebels; my dad was a commando and my mum flew an A-wing. They both fought on Endor, and I was raised by my grandfather until I was two.” 

“Your mum is a pilot?” Finn asks. 

“Was.” Poe replies with a sad smile. “She died when I was eight. But before that, she taught me how to fly. She used to sit me on her lap and let me play with all the buttons and levers, and only take the controls when we needed to land. I became the best pilot I could be in memory of her. She was amazing. She helped destroy the second Death Star, and she flew with Luke Skywalker and General Organa both. She didn’t talk about it, she didn’t want to remember the war, but I read about it when I was with the New Republic Navy.”

“Aren’t you afraid?” Finn interrupts, like he’s been waiting a long time to ask the question, and he blushes but doesn’t look away.

“When I’m flying?” Poe asks. “No.”

“I am.” Finn’s voice is hushed with the admission, and this time he does look away, his gaze sliding away from Poe to the ground.

“When?” Poe walks to the front of his cell and sticks his arm through the bars, palm up. He’s never quite sure how Finn will react to physical contact. He seems to enjoy it - welcome it even - when he hugs Poe or takes his hand, but when Poe claps him on the shoulder as he walks passed or nudges him when they’re walking together he always flinches away before relaxing. So Poe is careful to let Finn initiate contact, holds open his hand and waits for Finn to take it himself.

He always does, and he steps closer at the same time, so Poe’s hand is slightly crushed against the bars between them, but he doesn’t try to move them. 

“All the time.” Finn says, and then he huffs an unhappy laugh at himself. “But mostly on Finalizer. I was only thinking about all the ways that everything could go wrong. But you weren’t afraid. You’re very brave.” 

“Yeah, I think that says something a lot better about you, buddy, than it does me. Just means that I’m bad at reflection and healthy coping mechanisms.” Poe lets himself laugh at the end there, even though it’s the truth. He’s never been much for dwelling, but he knows that that’s because what he is good at is Not Dealing With It, and one day there’s going to be nothing to distract himself with, and all his bravado and recklessness is going to come crashing down. Until then, the best he can do is be honest, and hope that someone will know what to look for when the day inevitably comes. 

“You’re right.” Poe continues. “I wasn’t afraid on Finalizer. Just like I’m not afraid when I’m flying. The truth is, it’s because I’m not afraid to die.”

Finn sort of jumps at that admission, flinches as if he’s going to move away and then somehow crowds even closer. If there was nothing between them they’d probably be pressed together right now. Poe would definitely be hugging him, because he’s not entirely certain how to interpret the look on Finn’s face right now, but it seems equal parts confusion, fear and admiration and Poe doesn’t really want to dump all of this on him, but it appears to be the way the conversation is heading. “I’d rather die than go back to the First Order.” Finn whispers, as if it’s a secret, as if anyone would expect Finn to ever want to go back there, “But I’m still afraid of doing either.”

“But you would, if you had to.” Poe whispers back, because it may not be a secret, but that doesn’t mean that it’s something that Finn wants to share. “You’d still face them. Either of them. You already did. Being afraid doesn’t stop you from being brave, Finn.”

Finn does not look convinced. In fact, Finn looks downright disbelieving. Poe has the sudden urge to drop Finn off at a Core Planet and have him spend some time around average people not constantly having to swallow their fear because they’re fighting a war. Get him a bit of perspective, help him see how rare it is to stand up publically and oppose something. 

Poe sighs. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m afraid of things too.”

Finn laughs, and that’s much better, that’s how things should be. “Of course you are.” He says. “Everyone’s afraid of something. I bet it’s something dumb and common, like spiders. Or moths.”

“Hey, some of those spiders are pretty dangerous.” Poe huffs. “The Urnsor’is on Kashyyyk can infect you with a flesh eating parasite. No one wants that.” Finn giggles, and opens his mouth to say something, probably to gloat, but Poe talks over him. “But that’s not what I meant. Everyone’s afraid of trivial things, but I’m afraid of other things, too. I’m afraid of living without a purpose. I’m afraid that I won’t know what to do when this war is over. I’m afraid of how selfish that makes me, and how terrible. My parents never wanted me to fight, you know? They fought so I wouldn’t have to, but as soon as I was old enough I left to join the New Republic, and I deserted to fight against the First Order the minute I was offered the chance. I’m afraid that I’ve let them down, but _this_ , it’s all I know how to do. I’m afraid of finding out that I’m not anything without a battle.” 

Finn looks a little speechless, a little like he’s about to cry, his mouth hanging open a little where he didn’t close it after his previous attempt at speech. Poe shifts to press his forehead against the bars as if he can project the sincerity of his words through physical closeness and powers on. No point stopping now he’s started. 

“But _you_ , buddy. Look at you. You struck out on your own. You threw away everything you knew just on the _chance_ that something could be better. And you kept moving forward, even though you were scared. And that makes _you_ very brave.”

For a second nothing happens. Poe is worried that he’s said too much, that he’s pushed too far. Finn takes everything in his stride, it’s hard to tell when something will stump him. And then all of a sudden, Finn lunges forward, and whether by luck or some other power subtly manipulating events, they’re positioned just right that he manages to kiss Poe hard, on the lips, without either one of them smacking their head on the bars.

It’s quick, it’s only for a moment, and then Finn is gone, running up the stairs and away from the cells. And Poe is too stunned to call after him. 

\--------------------

When the Stormtroopers had come for him on Jakku, Poe had shot them without even thinking about it. He remembers two, running into battle together, and he had killed the first the minute they came into his line of sight. And the second, they just _stopped_. They didn’t run passed their dead, like he’d always seen Stormtroopers do. They’d stopped, and dropped to their knees, and Poe had stopped, too. He’d turned away, and looked up to see Kylo Ren’s ship coming in to land. After that it was all a mess of pain and anger and resignation, and he had forgotten that Stormtrooper whom he had spared to grieve.

He’s never mentioned them since, hasn’t spoken about it to anyone, but he knows, somehow. He _knows_ that Stormtrooper was Finn.

When Poe woke up dehydrated and concussed on Jakku, with no idea who or where he was, he remembered Finn’s name and character before his own.

Life is funny like that.

\--------------------

Poe is going over the schematics for Black One (he’s always thought she could use an extra blaster cannon, but he’s never had the time to figure out where to attach one) when there’s bang, a binary shriek of victory, and a whirring sound as BB-8 comes hurtling through the door and down into the cells. It normally takes stairs carefully and one at a time, but it barely even touches them now, seemingly rolling as fast as it can off the top step and landing hard on the ground, beeping incessantly the whole way, and it’s such an unusual sight that it takes a moment for Poe to realise that BB-8 is telling him that they’ve located a First Order prison camp and Snap is taking out the pilots next week .

“ _Kriff_ , BB-8!” Poe shouts, and BB-8 rolls back with a whirring sound, shocked at his tone, its head tipping further than it’s body like its been struck in a way that is openly manipulative, but annoyingly always works on him. Poe takes a deep breath, calms his steadily rising panic. There’s no use yelling at BB-8, and it doesn’t deserve it. It’s not its fault that being around Poe so much gave it more loyalty and trust than sense. “I need you to go get–”

But who? General Organa would have too much to do. Karé and Iolo he knows are off-planet. They told him they had leave - more than likely a lie, but he appreciates that they found a way to tell him they wouldn’t be visiting for a time. Snap, apparently, has a raid and rescue mission to plan. And then he remembers a conversation about sleep deprivation training, harsher than anything Poe ever experienced as part of the New Republic or the Resistance. And yes, he’s trying to give him space, time to figure out what that kiss meant, and he hasn’t visited since, but still–

“Finn. I need you to go and fetch Finn. Please.”

\--------------------

Finn takes one look at Poe’s face and says “what do you need?” Poe had been expecting some awkwardness, but he should have known that Finn would see the distress on his face and put any personal feelings out of his mind. He’d done so for Rey, after all, it seems somewhat unfair to Finn to expect anything different from him.

Poe doesn’t answer immediately, shakes his head and crouches down to BB-8’s level, where the droid is vibrating with anticipation. “BB-8, buddy.” He starts, and he keeps his voice jovial as an apology for this earlier frustration. “Can you find General Organa and tell her that I know about the Prison Camps and Snap’s mission.” He hears Finn gasp above him but doesn’t look up at him just yet. “And then I want you to stay with her until I’m out of here. Can you do that for me? Please?” BB-8 whistles an affirmative and rolls away and Poe waits until he hears the door close to stand and look at Finn again. 

He can only imagine that the look on Finn’s face is the same as the one on his a moment ago - like the galaxy has just stopped. “You know?” he croaks, and Poe feels the crushing weight return to his chest, the knowledge that if he falls asleep now he’s going to ruin people’s lives. If he tells Kylo Ren what he knows, the First Order will move the camp and the prisoners will never be saved and it will all be his fault and Poe wants to cry but he can’t find it in himself to be anything but strong for Finn, who looks almost in tears himself. 

“I’d tell you that you need to kill me again, but you all seemed so against that the first time. So I guess you’re going to have to keep me awake until General Organa figures out what to do.” He’s trying to make light of the situation, but there’s nothing but despair here, and it shows. Finn can’t even muster up a smile, and Poe saw him grin on Finalizer when he knows Finn was more than half convinced he was about to die. 

“Of course.” Finn says immediately. “Of course. I can do that. I can stay awake for days. How can I help?”

“Well nothing’s more interesting to me than the sound of my own voice.” Poe jokes, and this one does get a smile from Finn, but it’s quickly replaced with his determined concern. “I thought I could tell you a little bit more about Yavin 4, and then go from there.”

Finn nods. “Yeah, okay.” He says. “Tell me about your moon.”

So Poe does. He tells him about the jungle and the animals cries that used to keep him awake at night. About growing up in the shadow of the Rebellion, where they could touch the building where people stood against the Empire. About playing as Princess Leia as a child. About the Force-sensitive tree growing in his old front yard. And about how he’s like to take Finn there, one day, to see it all. 

Eventually Poe runs put of things to say about Yavin 4. He talks about joining the Republic because he wanted to make a difference, and later leaving it for the same reason. He tells Finn about his plans for Black One, and reads aloud from some of the holopads he has lying around. Finn interjects occasionally with questions, but he doesn’t speak for any real length of time, seemingly awake that if Poe stops talking for too long, he’ll lose his fight with sleep.

When Poe had told General Organa to kill him at the beginning of all of this, it had been because it was the first thing he had thought to do. He was devastated and ashamed of himself that Kylo Ren had managed to use him in the way that he had, but all the information he had given away had been trivial stuff, enough to allow the First Order to evade their reconnaissance, but nothing that had lead to anyone being hurt. When General Organa had offed her solution he hadn’t been relieved and was dreading the prospect of being locked away without the stars and open space for an indefinite length of time, but he had accepted it as a viable alternative. And as a punishment, for his forced betrayal. But now, though...

Now there will be casualties. The Resistance will cancel the rescue mission, he knows, and people will continue to suffer, will continue to be worked to their deaths, because Poe warned the First Order and they moved their operations. And he wouldn’t do it on purpose, it wouldn’t be his _fault_ , except for in all the ways that it would be because of him. But surely, if he can do something, _anything_ to stop it, he should. After all, how would it be any different than flying inside Starkiller and being at least half way sure he was never going to come out again. He’s flown missions where he might die before to save people. There’s no reason why this should be any different, just because it’s planet-side, rather than in a fighter.

Poe thinks about waiting until he or Finn disappear briefly to use the bathroom, waiting until he’s not in Finn’s line of sight and just doing it. But he can’t do that to Finn, can’t make Finn find him like that. It would be cruelty, and worse than that. Instead, Poe makes other plans, thinks about stopping himself from sending a transmission another way. Finn would never let him hurt himself, he knows. Sacrifice, for any reason, is not in Finn’s nature. But if Finn falls asleep first, there’s a chance: a chance that he could break all his fingers or mute himself somehow or something, _anything_ , to stop himself. It’s some morbid thinking, he knows, something he wouldn’t normally let himself indulge in. Even when he’d known he was going to die on Finalizer, he hadn’t really thought about it,. He’d just _known_ that it was what would happen next. But he’s _tired_. He’s so tired, and he can’t really stop anything right now.

“You know, my dad taught me that you always have to be loyal to the things that you know in your heart are true.” Poe starts, and he’s not entirely sure where this thought ends, but it seems _important,_ in the same way that getting behind the controls of an X-wing felt important - like not only can he do anything, but he will do _everything_ , like he’s one button away from leaving the world behind him. “Finn. You’re so _good_.” He says, and stops. “This is coming out wrong.” Starts again. “What I’m trying to say, is–. When I saw you for the first time; you, not the Stormtrooper armour. When you took off that helmet. You were the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

There. That was always the way this was going to go. And Poe hears Finn make a kind of choked off sob.

By the time Finn opens his mouth to reply, Poe is already asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV switch!
> 
> Aro/ace Rey (aro/ace Force-sensitives in general) remains the only thing that is truly important to me.
> 
> Brief moment of somewhat-vaguely-dehumanising hero-worship.

Finn starts to hear the rhythmic banging coming from the cells before he flings open the door and almost throws himself, stumbling, down the stairs, General Organa and Major Kalonia in tow. If the sight of Poe, blank-faced and unconscious in sleep had caused him to panic and run off to get help, it was nothing compared to the way he feels now: a knot of helplessness and pain working its way up his throat, threatening to make him sick, as he looks at Poe’s still-blank face, smeared with blood as he walks into the cell bars, bounces off, and starts forward again. 

Finn doesn’t stop to wait for his companions, doesn’t stop to _think_ , just dashes to the cell and sticks his arm through the bars, trying to hold Poe back from injuring himself further. Poe stops, and his hand shoots up to take Finn’s wrist that is barring his way. For a moment, Finn thinks that his touch has somehow gotten through, that Poe has woken, or is conscious enough to not allow the mental link to solidify. It’s so close to how Poe always reacts to any physical contact Finn makes - with immediate reciprocation - that he doesn’t notice the ways that it’s all wrong until it’s too late: it’s too still, too clinical. Poe is always in motion, and when he touches Finn his fingers twitch, or his hands move up and down, just a little; like he’s trying to keep him warm, but with movements too small and slow to generate any kind of heat. 

There’s a loud crack, and a whimper forces its way put passed Finn’s lips as a bright bolt of pain shoots its way up his arm from his wrist. Finn steps back automatically and wrenches his hand free, bile rising in his throat; both from the movement, and from the bang he hears even through the white noise of his own pain as, free from obstructions, Poe walks forward again into the cell bars.

Major Kalonia rushes to Finn’s side, tutting audibly as she takes Finn’s arm and supports his hand with her own to get a close look at his wrist. “I can’t say for _sure_ without any equipment,” she says, “but it’s dislocated.”

General Organa hurries passed the both of them without a second glance, pulls a key out of her pocket, and unlocks the door to Poe’s cell. Finn makes to move to stop Poe from leaving, but Major Kalonia holds him back. Poe walks up the stairs and out of the cells still asleep, blood still running sluggishly from his headwound, and he’s out the door before General Organa acknowledges their presence. “We need to follow him, but we can’t let him see us.”

Finn wants to say no, to shout and run after Poe and hold him until they figure out a way to break Kylo Ren’s link, but the set of General Organa’s shoulders tells him that he wouldn’t get very far if he tried. He’s seen her use the Force to calm a room, and he doesn’t doubt that she can do much more. 

So instead the three of them follow after Poe at a distance, trailing after him as he shuffles and staggers along and into the control room, where he logs into a relay station and begins typing a message. 

And Finn can’t stop himself. He knows he’ll never be able to reach Poe, so instead he swings around to face General Organa and hisses “we can’t let him do this. He’ll never forgive himself.”

General Organa makes an unhappy face, and pulls him further down the corridor and away from Poe. “While I am glad that you feel comfortable enough here with us to question order if you think they are wrong,” she starts, and though her voice is at a whisper, Finn is sure that he would hear and obey it in a crowd, steel making it ring. “In this case you need to do exactly as instructed. I know Poe Dameron, far better and for far longer than you have, and I know what he can handle. I assure you that he never thought he would recover after Finalizer and losing the map to Luke, but he did, because he had to. And he would recover from this, too.”

Finn doesn’t know how to respond to the idea the thought that General Organa would do that to _Poe_ ; Poe, who clearly looks up to her, trusts her implicitly, would do anything she asked of him, and she would just betray him like that. He wants to run. He wants to fight. He wants to take Poe far, far away with him. But through the haze of his anger, something about her wording registers and he hesitates long enough for her to finish. 

“But I would never do that to him. I would never ask it of him, even though I know he would deal with it and carry on because it’s his job. I would never make him. Because that’s not who I am. That’s not who the _Resistance_ is. I need you to understand that, Finn.” General Organa looks straight at him, straight into his eyes, and Finn can not deny the fierce sincerity he sees there. He nods, mutely, can’t quite find his words, but General Organa knows the answer to his unvoiced question anyway. “We put the relay station on a loop. The message Commander Dameron is sending is just going to come back to the base. But with any luck, it should still satisfy his need to send it.”

As General Organa finishes there’s a quick shuffling sound and Major Kalonia comes darting around the corner whispering “he’s done and heading back this way. We need to go.” They hurry back to the cells, and stand in the shadows. Watching as Poe, eyes still closed, stumbles back down the stairs and into his cell, collapses awkwardly onto his bed. General Organa steps forward and locks Poe back in. 

For a moment, the three of them just watch Poe sleeping, and Finn is relieved to see that the terrible blankness has gone from his face, replaced by the natural twitches of sleep. “I want to stay with him.” He says, and both General Organa and Major Kalonia look far too knowing. Finn scrambles to defend himself in a way that he doesn’t entirely understand. “Someone should be with him when he wakes up.” He explains, and it sounds weak even to his own ears. “And I want it to be me.” He finishes, much quieter.

General Organa puts her hand on his shoulder and squeezes. “I’m sure he would be happy of it was you too, Finn.” She says kindly, and motions for her and Major Kalonia to leave. “We will bring you breakfast in the morning and check in on Poe to make sure he hasn’t hurt himself too badly.” She casts a final look back at Poe, now sleeping peacefully despite the drying blood on his face, and for the briefest of moments Finn can see the profound sadness and worry in her expression before she covers it with her iron mask of composure and leaves the cells, Major Kalonia trailing after her.

Finn sits in his usual chair and waits for Poe to wake up.

\--------------------

Poe wakes with a start, shooting up from his reclining position into a seated one without a cry. If Finn hadn’t already been awake and watching, he would not have known. He had given in, briefly, to exhaustion while waiting, but had been too nervous and worried for it to last more than a few hours, and he had woken long before Poe.

Finn watches the way looks around the cell, wide-eyed, desperately, as if he’s trying to deny the truth he sees in front of him. When he at last turns his head to look at Finn, however, his face is as unnaturally blank as it had been when he was being controlled in his sleep, his gaze utterly empty. “So I did it.” He says, and his voice is flat and lifeless.

Finn wants to tell him “no”, can’t lie to him, but he also can’t tell him the truth. And so he says nothing.

But the look on his face must reflect the agony he feels at keeping silent. Because just for a moment, Poe’s expression absolutely _breaks_ , and all the rage and hatred and pain is there, clear for Finn to see, and Poe whispers to himself, in a voice that is passed chocked with tears and is laden with utter grief: “All those people–”. 

And then it’s gone, as if it was never there. And as Finn watches, Poe visibly represses his emotions. It’s like, Finn thinks, watching a star implode - something shining and beautiful explodes, shooting outward and destroying everything around it, and then suddenly it reverses, pulls it all back in; all that beauty and destruction condensed into emptiness, a blackness that nothing can escape from.

He realises now what Poe meant when he said that Finn is better at actually dealing with his emotions than he is.

“Why didn’t you stop me?” 

Poe has to know that there was only one way to stop him, and Finn–

Finn hadn’t thought he was _joking_ , when he’s told General Organa to kill him. It had not been said with any of Poe’s constant humour or levity. But he hadn’t realised, he supposes, just how deeply Poe had meant it. How completely he was willing to sacrifice himself. It’s as admirable as it is terrifying.

“I tried.” Finn says, and holds up his injured arm. Major Kalonia had bought him breakfast and wrapped his wrist in tight bandages that morning. She hadn’t had the chance to see to Poe, not wanting to do it while he was asleep, but the blood on his face had been wiped off in his sleep. There’s still stains on his shirt, and a number a grazes on his face, but physically, Poe had finished the night in better shape than Finn.

The physical, however, is not the issue, and Poe’s eyes go wide and afraid and slightly wild as he takes in Finn’s wrist. “Oh _kriff_ , Finn.” He says, in a horrified whisper. “Oh _kriff_ , I hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” And he mutters it to himself, over and over, backs away from Finn and the bars and presses himself against the opposite wall. His voice doesn’t rise, but in his whisper, Finn hears him screaming.

“It’s okay!” Finn says, shouts, and he sticks his uninjured hand through the bars, palm up, as he’s seen Poe do many times for him before. “It’s okay, Poe. It wasn’t your fault. I did something stupid, and I paid the price. It’s not you’re fault. You were controlled, I know you would never hurt me. It’s alright, Poe. It’s okay.” Poe doesn’t react, doesn’t even appear to hear him, just stares, wide-eyed and horrified in Finn’s direction, but not really at Finn at all. And Finn keeps talking, says that it’s alright so many times that the word almost becomes meaningless, keeps his hand outstretched and reaching until Poe’s eyes focus and he seems to register the world around him again.

Poe stumbles away from the cell wall and all but staggers over to Finn with none of his usual flyboy swagger, and holds Finn’s hand tight like a lifeline. Finn almost flinches away, because this is no the way that it is supposed to be; Poe is brave, confident, self-assured. _Solid_.

And Finn casts around for something, _anything_ to say to change the subject and bring Poe back to himself. “Did you mean what you said?” He asks. “Just before you fell asleep. You said you thought I was beautiful. On Finalizer.”

“Like one of the Diathim.” Poe says, and his voice sounds faint, far away, but his eyes are focused on Finn’s face and that’s an improvement. “An angel. Or a Force Ghost or something. I’m not Force-sensitive, but I’ve believed in the Force all my life. And I thought that maybe it had come for me, at the end.”

Finn feels himself blush at the complement, and pushes on. “I’m not sure if I should be flattered or not, that you thought I looked like I could be dead.”

That startles a laugh out of Poe, and for a moment he looks the way he should, grinning, in Finn’s space and holding his hand. He sounds the way he should, too, as he concedes: “You’re not even a little bit blue, that’s true. Although to be fair, I had taken a few hits to the head.” Then he falls unnaturally silent, and Finn is about to ask something else to get him talking again, when Poe takes a deep, shaky breath and says “It wasn’t just on Finalizer. I always think you’re beautiful.”

When Finn had kissed Poe, he hadn’t really thought about what would happen next. He hadn’t really thought about _any_ of it, truth be told. Poe had been speaking, saying such wonderful, kind things, and Finn had felt so _good_ , and at the moment, kissing Poe had felt like the only thing possible, like he _had_ to do it. And he hadn’t thought about _after_ , not until now, with Poe calling him beautiful. And just like when they had kissed, the possibility of _something_ is all Finn can think about.

Poe must take Finn’s silence as a rejection, because he starts speaking again. “Don’t feel pressured. I’m not expecting anything from you. And I know you like Rey. I just thought you deserved to know.” 

“No!” Finn exclaims, and surprises himself with the vehemence of it, takes a calming breath. “No.” He says again, quieter. “I– uhh–” Searches for the words. “Rey doesn’t feel that way about me.” Poe looks a little offended, like Rey’s lack of romantic or sexual attraction to Finn hurts him on a personal level. “About anyone, actually. She explained it to me. But even if she did–”. Finn trails off, trying think of the right words so Poe will understand. 

The truth is, Finn _does_ like Rey. Rey is beautiful and kind and brave. She makes him feel all light and floaty, like his insides are full of bubbles and he could fly away. When she’s near him, Finn knows that he can do anything, like everything that stands in his way in inconsequential and easily defeated. He returned to the First Order for her, took up arms against Kylo Ren, and he would do so much more. 

But Finn likes Poe, too. Poe also makes him feel happy and bubbly and light. He’s never really been in an environment before where he was allowed to appreciate the male form, but now he is, and he has been, and Poe is his favourite to look at. They work well together, with no fuss; Poe makes him feel brave, and in control of his own destiny. When Finn had thought him dead on Jakku, the memory of his brief companionship and bond with Poe had pushed him to keep moving forward, until he met Rey and she dragged him along in her wake. 

Poe doesn’t make him feel like he’s going to float away. Poe makes him feel solid. _Real_ , his feelings for him grounded in the way that he _knows_ him; the good and the bad, his hopes and dreams and fears. And he knows how it sounds, like he doesn’t feel as much or Poe as he does for Rey, but it’s not like that at all. 

Rey is beautiful, etherial. Untouchable. When he imagines her future, she’s always running ahead, always leaving him behind. Not because of cruelty or because she doesn’t want him there, but because he can’t keep up. And he’s always watching her, admiring her, _loving_ her, but he isn’t standing there with her, because she is meant for something _else_. Rey is already a legend to him - it’s only a matter of time before she becomes one to the rest of the galaxy. 

It’s different, with Poe. He admires him, too, but Poe is just another man. When Finn imagines Poe’s future, they’re always together, standing side by side, supporting each other. Circling away and coming back to one another, like the galaxy is pulling them back together. Finn had gone looking to rescue Rey, but the universe had bought Poe back to him on Takodana when he hadn’t even known it was an option. 

It’s the difference between going along for the ride with Rey - following where she leads, shooting when he’s told - and he and Poe helping each other to escape. 

“Even if she did, I’d still want to do this with you.” Finn finishes, confidently, and gives Poe’s hand a squeeze. 

Poe _beams_ at him, wide and toothy and with little lines coming from the corners of his eyes, and says “do you want to go out? Somewhere? When General Organa has fixed all of this?” He gestures around his cell. “As a date?” 

Finn laughs, full to bursting with it, and leans forward to rest his forehead against the bars separating them. Poe moves too, and they’re breathing each other’s air as Finn answers “Yes. I’d love to.” 

\-------------------- 

Finn comes sprinting, almost stumbling down the stairs to the cells to tell Poe the good news: “Rey is back.” It’s unexpected. Rey hadn’t told them she was returning, she’d just flown in on the Millennium Falcon and told the landing crew to fetch Finn for her. “She says she thinks she can break your link with Kylo Ren.” 

Rey had explained - somewhat breathlessly and in awe, of herself or of the Force Finn doesn’t know - that she had dreamt about Finn while she was training with Luke Skywalker, and she had felt his distress over Poe. It hadn’t been too difficult to follow Finn’s sleeping thoughts and find out what was wrong, but when she had raised the issue with Skywalker, he had told her that the two of them needed to remain where they were to train. Rey had shouted at him, told him that she needed to be there for her friends, that she could help Poe, and Skywalker had smiled sadly, told her that he was just like her, once. That he had insisted that he was ready, too, that he had fought with his Master to go and save his friends, that he hadn’t listened when Yoda had told him that he needed more training. And his disobedience had nearly cost the galaxy. 

So Rey had waited until night fell and Skywalker was asleep before taking the Falcon and flying back to D’Qar. 

Poe had been slumped against the wall, trapped in his own thoughts. Finn had caught him doing that more often, lately. At the beginning of this, Poe had complained to General Organa that locking him away from the sky and forcing him to stay grounded was going to kill him more surely than anything else. That being _stuck_ would get to him long before they all gave up on severing the link and killed him as a liability. And at the time Finn had thought it to be natural flyboy dramatics. But ever since Poe had confessed his fear of not having a purpose without flying, Finn can’t help his dread that there may have been some truth to his statement. Poe talks less every day, gets paler and skinner, grows dark bruises under his eyes from lack of sleep. He twitches, when he thinks Finn’s not looking - not his normal constant, smooth movements, but jerky. Involuntary. Scratches absentmindedly at his arms hard enough to leave behind red marks. His eyes dart around relentlessly, like he’s looking for an escape. Finn had asked Jess about it, and she had called it _wanderlust_ , and while he doesn’t disagree with her, he’s afraid that Poe’s urge to get out there, go away and do something, is tinged with another, darker impulse. 

But Poe’s gaze snaps to Finn at his words, and his indrawn look is replaced by a small, hopeful smile. “When can she get started?” He asks. 

Finn laughs, and says “She’s gone to get General Organa to supervise. So as soon as she gets here.” 

Rey arrives five minutes later with a look of determination on her face, and the sound of General Organa following after and disagreeing loudly and vehemently with Rey’s supposed plan. Rey, for her part, seems to be ignoring her, and Finn is impressed that anyone can manage that feat, but he is worried that her lack of agreement will make Poe reconsider having Rey help him. 

Sure enough, General Organa stops talking to Rey the minute she is standing face-to-face with Poe. “This is a bad idea.” She says to him, and Poe, to Finn’s utter surprise, only shrugs in acknowledgement. “Poe. We don’t know what might happen. Rey has never done anything like this before. You’re giving her absolute access to your mind. Anything could go wrong. You could be lost in your own head, or cut off from your own thoughts. You need to take a day and just _think_ about this.” 

And that’s...a good point, Finn thinks, and he can’t help but agree with her, that Poe’s sanity is worth another day stuck in this cell. 

He’s about to say so, when Poe beats him to speaking. “With all due respect, General,” he stays, and Finn is startled by the sharpness in his tone, and the grimace on his face. “I have been asking you to kill me since the first day of this, and you’ve ignored me. I’ve gone along with it because I had hoped you would come up with an alternate solution, and you haven’t. Instead, I’ve likely contributed to the continued enslavement of First Order prisoners. So you will forgive me if I say that I am willing to take whatever risk I have to to get your son out of my head.” He takes a deep breath. “I don’t need to think about this. Do it now.” 

Finn wants to say something. He doesn’t know what and he doesn’t know why; to comfort Poe, to beg him to take some time to consider, to tell him he never sent that message to the First Order and the rescue was still going ahead. But he doesn’t speak, just stands there quietly with his mouth open. General Organa is similarly silent, although the look on her face appears to be equal parts compassion and fury. The only one who looks almost _happy_ at Poe’s pronouncement is Rey, who is grinning with triumph. Poe smiles back at her, soft and resigned. General Organa hands Rey the keys to Poe’s cell without a word, and Rey steps inside. Finn makes to enter with her, but she locks the door behind her, and Finn is stuck, separated from his two favourite people in the galaxy by unforgiving, durasteel bars. 

“Where do you want me?” Poe asks, not looking anywhere but at Rey. 

Rey waves her hand vaguely. “On the bed will be fine.” 

They sit down facing each other, and Rey lays her hands on either side of Poe’s face, the tips of her middle and index fingers resting against his temples. “I’m going to put you in a state where your mind is unconscious, like you were sleeping, and then I’m going to follow the channel that leads to Kylo Ren to cut it off. Is that alright?” 

“You have my permission to do whatever you think is necessary.” Poe replies, and his tone is eerily resigned. Finn wants to tell him to stop, to think about this some more, but it is not his place. General Organa is refusing to look at anyone, but she still hasn’t left. 

Rey nods and closes her eyes, scowls slightly, and a deep line of concentration forms between her brows. 

For a moment, nothing happens. Finn holds his breath and allows himself to think that maybe nothing will, that maybe Rey won’t be able to do anything. Beside him he can hear General Organa also deliberately not breathing. And then suddenly Poe lets out a soft sigh and his eyes flutter closed and his face goes utterly, terrifyingly _blank_ , his expression as empty as it had been when he was being controlled. 

Finn almost cries out in fear, but General Organa must sense it, her hand already covering his mouth before he makes a sound. She shakes her head and whispers “she is touching his mind. If anything distracts her now, she could damage it beyond repair.” Finn nods in wide-eyed acknowledgement and General Organa takes her hand away. 

Finn clenches his hands into fists at his sides. He would, and _has_ trusted Rey with his life. And a moment ago, he would have said he would do the same for Poe’s. But right now, he is not so sure. He wants to rip them apart, make Poe laugh, bring _life_ to his face, replace the horrifying stillness that looks too much like death. Instead he settles for clenching his fists hard enough to leave deep, red crescent marks in his palms. 

Ten minutes of tense silence pass. 

And then Rey’s eyes snap open, Poe’s following slower after. They stare at each other, and then Rey’s face breaks into a grin. “I think it worked.” She says, and her voice is breathless, giddy. Poe lets out a whoop, and Finn finds himself echoing it without any real thought to do so. 

They both turn to look at him and General Organa as if they had forgotten they were there. “How will we know?” Poe asks the room at large, and it’s General Organa who answers. 

“You never sent the message to the First Order. We just tricked you into thinking you did. The rescue mission is going ahead as planned.” Finn looks at her, surprised, and he can see the faint edges of a smile on her lips. “I guess we’ll just wait and see if you do anything with this new information when you fall asleep.” 

For a few seconds Poe looks almost comically surprised. And then General Organa’s words seem to sink in, and his face morphs into a smile so blinding that Finn has the absurd thought that he just watched the sun rise in Poe’s expression. 

\-------------------- 

General Organa whisks Rey off immediately for a debriefing. Her words, as Finn hears them fading away, are still angry about what Rey and Poe have just done, but there is pride there, too, lurking below the surface in her tone. And hope. 

Finn and Poe are left alone. 

Finn looks at Poe’s beaming face, and is suddenly struck with the strangest urge to blush and look down at his feet. Instead, he says “You’re almost free.” 

Poe nods enthusiastically, still smiling. “We can go on that date. If you still want to, of course.” 

Finn can’t stop himself, he feels his face heat and his gaze darts away from Poe without his conscious thought. “Yes. I’d like that.” 

When he manages to convince himself to look up again, Poe’s grin has gotten impossibly wider. “Good.” 

“Poe.” Finn says, slowly. “Can I ask you a question?” 

“Anything, buddy.” 

"Why me? Why do you want to go on a date with me?” 

Poe’s smile dims a little, and he says “Because I really like you.” As if that’s all there is to it. “Finn, I think I said this before, but you’re so _good_. You’re so kind and helpful and thoughtful, and the First Order could never take that away from you even though I’m sure they tried. You _care_ , so much, about everyone. And you’re so brave, leaving the First Order with nothing but _hope_. I admire you so much. You see something so special in the galaxy that it makes me see it too.” 

Finn blushes again. “Yes. You did say that. But I mean– On Finalizer– You said you thought I was beautiful on _Finalizer_. We’d never even spoken. I could’ve been lying to you, taking you to your death. You didn’t know anything about me, and I just– Why me?” 

Poe isn’t smiling anymore. He looks far away, almost sad, and Finn wants to take back the question or stop Poe from answering it. He doesn’t really need to know, he’s happy not knowing, it was just idle curiosity, and he’s about to tell Poe that when Poe speaks. 

“No one was coming for me." 

“What?” 

“On Finalizer.” Poe says, and his lips are tilted up, but he’s not happy. “I knew I was going to die there, because I knew no one was coming to rescue me. And then you saved me. You were the hope I never even knew I had.” 

Finn is slightly confused by Poe’s acceptance of what had been his apparent imminent death. “But you’re the Resistance’s best pilot. They all said that, that we’d strike a huge blow against the Resistance when they sent a rescue mission after you. We– The First Order said that. Surely Karé or Iolo were coming. They wouldn’t leave you to die.” 

Poe chuckles, but it’s without humour. “I’m the ace pilot, sure, but I’m not– I’m not irreplaceable. The Resistance is short on people as it is, and we don’t have the human resources to rescue one pilot. Someone else would have taken my position and responsibilities.” 

And Finn thinks that this is not how the Resistance is supposed to be. They’re supposed to be different from the First Order. They’re not supposed to treat their people as expendable and replaceable. They’re not supposed to leave anyone behind. And if they do, what are they fighting for? Why are they here, if they don’t value people? Why is _Finn_ here, fighting against a group that sees its members as tools, for another that does the same? He had thought the Resistance was different, but they spread the same poison he had been fed growing up and he can’t do this, he can’t be here... 

And Poe must see his thoughts written across his face because there’s a spark of panic in his eyes, and he shouts “No!” and his hands shoot out passed the cell bars to take Finn’s face between them and make him look at him. “No, Finn. No. It’s not like that.” He says, and his voice gets progressively calmer. “No. I knew what I was getting into. I knew that no one would come for me if I got captured. Not because they didn’t want to, but because they couldn’t. The Resistance is barely supported by the New Republic, and as a peace-keeping organisation, not as a military force. But to keep that support and funding it can’t be seen publicly to be breaking any of the treaties the Republic ratified after the fall of the Empire. Which means that no one can know that we don’t only _retaliate_ against the First Order. That we take the fight to them. I knew that if I was captured, the Resistance would have to deny that I was working for them, or risk being disbanded. There’s just too much messy politics going on behind the scenes.” He pauses. Grimaces. “Or, at least there was.” 

Finn nods. “Okay, okay.” He says, and reaches up with one hand to cover one of Poe’s still resting on his cheek. He slots his fingertips in the gaps between Poe’s own fingers, and slides his thumb under Poe’s palm. “I think you’re beautiful too, you know.” 

Poe beams like no conversation ever happened. 

\-------------------- 

Poe twitches in his sleep. Finn stays to watch for a while, both because it is reassuring to see the signs of life on Poe’s face while he’s sleeping - replacing the nothingness in his memory - and because he finds the way Poe’s nose occasionally scrunches up oddly charming. 

But eventually Finn’s own lack of rest catches up to him, and he goes to his own quarters for the night. 

Finn wakes early the next day, eager to be there when Poe is released. But when he gets to his cell, Poe is still sleeping. Finn thinks about waking him, he knows Poe wouldn’t mind, that he wants to be out of here as soon as possible, but he stops himself almost immediately. Poe had tried to be positive the whole time he had been locked in the cells. but Finn had seen the dark circles under his eyes that spoke of sleep deprivation, and by the way that Poe was always awake when Finn visited, no matter what time, he can guess that Poe never slept deeply when he managed it at all. 

So instead, Finn heads to Command to learn under General Organa, and trusts that someone will fetch him when Poe wakes. 

It’s only after work, when Finn goes to check on Poe again and finds him still sleeping almost 24 hours after he first drifted off with a smile on his face, that Finn begins to worry. 

\-------------------- 

They move Poe to the medcentre, because there’s not a whole lot else they can do. He still needs to eat and drink, and it is the only place on D’Qar where they can manage that without Poe being awake. They tell the curious onlookers that Poe has contracted some unknown virus while away on a mission. That they had lied about him being sick before to keep Poe’s absence top-secret, but now he really is unwell. One of the medcentre staff had rolled their eyes and scoffed “typical”, and the only thing that had stopped Finn launching himself at them with all his anger and his fear behind him is Rey’s tentative hand on his arm. 

‘Tentative’ is not a work Finn would have ever used to describe Rey before, but she has taken Poe’s current situation even worse than Finn has. When he had told her, she had gone deathly white, and she hasn’t said anything other than “Master Skywalker was right” since, apparently ignoring all of Finn’s reassurances that this wasn’t her fault, that it was a risk that Poe took willingly. And Finn doesn’t blame her, but he still wishes he hadn’t let her do it. 

So they move Poe to the medcentre and they jostle him on and off beds and stretchers, poke and prod at him with fingers and with various medical devices, but all to no avail. He’s not in a coma, because he keeps twitching, his face and his hands moving sporadically as if he’s having a very active dream. It’s like he’s sleeping, but he won’t respond to anything outside of his own head. Physically, there’s nothing wrong with him. 

He just won’t wake up. 

\-------------------- 

Luke Skywalker arrives on D’Qar undetected and under the cover of darkness. He finds Rey and Finn sitting by Poe’s bedside, Rey with one of her hands wrapped up in two of Finn’s own and her head resting against his shoulder. Finn had been hesitant about their arrangement first, remembering how Rey had yelled at him not to hold her hand, but she has not been anything less than devastated since she heard about Poe, and she had reached for him and he could never deny her. 

Skywalker moves almost silently, but Rey must sense him approach because she is on her feet the moment the door slides open. 

Finn’s first thought upon seeing Luke Skywalker is disappointment. To hear the First Order tell it, Skywalker is a huge brute of a man. Chaos in human form. Harmony-destroying. But Skywalker in the flesh is grey and bearded and ageing; small, even, under his cloak. His eyes are old and sad and kind. And when he speaks, his voice does not boom or shout. He doesn’t sound like a battle commander that assaulted the Death Star, not like his sister at all. He sounds calm, assured, as he tells Finn to fetch General Organa, and Finn barely hesitates to obey. 

It proves unnecessary, however, because he meets General Organa halfway back to her quarters and already headed to the medcentre, a look of fury and love and hope all mixed up on her face. And even without telling him so, Finn knows that she sensed Skywalker’s arrival as well. 

When they get back to the medcentre Rey has her hands on Poe again, that crease of concentration between her eyebrows, and Finn almost rushes her, his heart skipping a beat and adrenaline coursing through his entire body like a flash of lightning, before it’s gone, just as suddenly, and Finn is overcome by a rush of peace. It’s a strange feeling, to know that his emotions are not his own, but not wanting to fight back. Or, wanting to fight it, but somehow not being capable of reaching that want. The most he can do is glare at the back of Skywalker’s head. 

So instead they all quietly watch Rey until she opens her eyes. “What did you see?” Skywalker asks. 

“He’s there.” She says, haltingly, and he gaze flicks to Finn for a second before going back to Skywalker. “But he kept moving away. He’s...scared. I think.” 

“Very good, Rey.” Skywalker says, with a small smile, and the anger that Finn can’t quite tap into wants to wipe it from his face. “You have come such a long way.” 

He addresses Finn and General Organa. “The mind is a very delicate thing, as I’m sure you well know. When we touch it, we destroy its balance, and when it is assaulted in the way that Dameron’s was...” Finn shivers. “When Rey tried to help, she reminded him how vulnerable his mind truly was, and his consciousness retreated into itself. In order to come back, he needs to feel safe again.” 

There’s silence as they contemplate that, and Skywalker turns back to pat Poe’s hand. “I remember Poe Dameron when he was a child. Always so loud and adventurous. He will recover, I do not doubt it.” 

\-------------------- 

Finn takes up residence beside Poe’s bed. General Organa protests that he still has a job to do and so much knowledge to offer, but Finn argues that Poe needs a friendly presence here with him to make him feel safe, and with most of the pilots away on a rescue mission and Rey training with Skywalker, she can not deny that he is the best option. BB-8 waits with him, rocking back and forth on its ball in a way that Finn would read as impatience, if droids were programmed to feel such a thing. 

Finn is not entirely sure what he’s doing, but he’s going to do it anyway. No one had waited by his bedside while he was recovering, only Rey until she left, and Poe for short moments in between missions and training, and so he has no real idea what he’s supposed to do. He’d asked one of the medidroids and it had said that people usually talked to coma patients, and while Poe’s situation is somewhat different from a coma, Finn decides that it’s similar enough to attempt the same approach. 

It’s difficult to talk without another person’s input. Finn doesn’t know how Poe managed it for over two days when he was trying to keep himself awake. BB-8 offers its own chirping and beeping comments, but Finn is still struggling with binary so it doesn’t help much. 

Whatever it is saying, though, Poe would understand. He’d understand and he’d smile and laugh. Poe seems to laugh at everything BB-8 says, like he’s delighted just to be talking to it. Finn wants to make him smile like that, too. Poe has such a lovely smile, big and warm and welcoming. Comforting. When he dies, he wants Poe to be there, so he can smile at him, and Poe will smile back like he always does and everything will be okay. 

Finn sits and waits and talks for three days. He tells Poe things he’s never said to anyone before, things he’d never say to Poe if he were awake. It’s comforting, somewhat, to say them aloud; to talk about his fear, about how his main motivation for staying with the Resistance is because it’s where his friends are, not because he wants to save the galaxy, about how difficult he finds it, sometimes, to make decisions for himself; finds himself missing the cool clarity and certainty of the First Order, just a little. He can’t say these things to Poe, because he knows what Poe would say: that it’s okay. That it’s nothing to be ashamed of. That Finn already made the biggest decision possible in deserting the First Order, and it’s only natural to be overwhelmed. But he doesn’t want to feel this way, and he doesn’t want to hear Poe’s reassurances about it. Poe is so relentlessly upbeat and irreverent that it can get tiring, sometimes. Charming. But tiring. 

On the third day the pilots return with the rescued prisoners, and Finn and BB-8 go with the rest of the base to see them land. It’s not quite as exciting as watching Poe come back, there’s no satisfaction that settles into his bones, but it’s still nice to have the people he’s been making friends with back on D’Qar, and it’s a relief and a triumph to see the Resistance’s work coming to fruition. Finn sends BB-8 to tell Snap about Poe’s condition so that he can inform the rest of the pilots in debriefing, before hurrying back to the medcentre, suddenly remembering an avenue of conversation he had not exhausted. 

“I asked Snap if there was a difference between growing up on a moon or planet-side.” He starts immediately on entry and collapses heavily into the seat beside Poe’s bed. He hasn’t been sleeping much lately, wanting to be there for Poe when he wakes, and he’s not a graceful as he’d like to be. “He said no. And that even if there was, I shouldn’t trust those tiny moon-babies to know about it.” 

"Insubordination.” Poe croaks, voce catching slightly, and Finn tries half-successfully to hide a squeak as he looks down to see Poe squinting blearily up and him and wearing a small grin. They stare at each other for a few seconds before Finn’s face breaks into a huge grin and he starts laughing, bright and happy and uncontrolled and Poe chuckles back, quieter because his voice is still scratchy, but no less joyful. 

And Finn feels it again, just like he did when Poe was complimenting him down in the cells, that feeling that kissing Poe is inevitable, the only possible way forward. But it’s even better this time, because Poe is awake and cured and happy, smiling up at him and Finn is laughing so hard he feels tears building in his eyes and he takes Poe’s face between his hands and kisses him. 

It’s not a great kiss. They’re both laughing so it’s more like breathing into each other’s mouthes, teeth clacking together just a little, and then Poe reaches up and moves Finn’s head to a better angle, tilts it so he catches Finn’s bottom lip between his own and sucks gently and Finn feels his laughter die out and his eyes flutter closed as Poe kisses him back, slowly and carefully with one hand on his cheek and the other on his shoulder pulling him closer. 

This time, Finn doesn’t run. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things in the EU that I actually don’t hate:
> 
> 1\. Mind-witches
> 
> 2\. Yavin 4’s Sith temples that are never mentioned to be that in the movies.
> 
> 3.
> 
>  
> 
> (I'll probably edit this again in the morning but it's late and I have a headache forgive me
> 
> update: 4 months later and I finally did some minor editing go me!)


End file.
